Multiple blockages all in a line, on my right arm, huge blockages the size of baseballs, on the meridian going out to my pinky finger. I'm a boy, quiet. It's a construction site, wood everywhere. People drilling. People hammering boards together to frame walls. People handing me dills that are burning hot with overuse, telling me to give them to someone. Heavy metal drills with cords, and vent holes on the side. (1960's or 1970's? Definitely western culture but not this lifetime.) All I do is follow orders, bring things to people. One kid is my big brother. Tall with long brown hair and striped shirt. Mom told him to watch over me when the two of us go to this place, but instead all he does is treat me like crap to impress his friends. And his friends treat me like crap just because they can.
A wooden framed wall collapses, pins me underneath. I'm alone for a while. Huge wooden splinters tear my right arm from elbow to wrist, blood and vomit everywhere, wood and sun is dry and blood and vomit are hot and they burn my cuts. Brother's really going to be pissed at me now.
My mom finds out about accident, she gets pissed at my older brother because he was supposed to keep me safe there but he failed. I thought for sure older brother would beat me up for this but he never does. In fact I hardly see him again.
19 November 2010
13 November 2010
Butcher's Dog
Butcher paper, blood, meat, bones, white powder (flour?). Licking gristle off of butcher paper. Chewing bones to get every last morsel off them. Peeing and pooping in a wet tile room with guts on the floor and a drain in the middle. The old man washes it down the drain and sprays me too if I take too long with my business. Which means I stay pretty wet, my fur is always damp and clumpy, and my bedding stays really matted and damp. Knives and chop block, metal and wooden handles. The old man is about 4 feet taller than me, dressed in white uniform and apron. I'm his dog, he used to kick me in the face and throw things at me when I went to him for scraps. I felt so dependent, so in danger, so hungry and so unwanted. Brings me to tears.
Life is so boring. I sleep in a dark corner wet and cold. Sometimes I sleep with my sharp pointy nose against my paws so my breath warms the pads of my toes. I hate being dependent on the old man. I hate when he hits me and kicks me. When he's angry I squat lower and lower until I eventually roll over. That means I'm out of ideas on how to show submission, nothing else has worked. Eventually he calls me pathetic, hits me one last time and walks away.
I've learned when to stay out of his way. But I can't do that all the time or else I don't get fed. I think the injury to my right eye eventually made that eye go blind. Because I can only see out of my left, but the right side of my face is throbbing in pain.
One day I really pissed him off, he tied my paws together with coarse rope, took a knife and started hacking the fur and skin right off my back. It hurts so bad, god it hurts so bad. I scream for a while then see the whole scene from a distance. He's chopped me up and thrown my meat into a boiling pot of water.
Life is so boring. I sleep in a dark corner wet and cold. Sometimes I sleep with my sharp pointy nose against my paws so my breath warms the pads of my toes. I hate being dependent on the old man. I hate when he hits me and kicks me. When he's angry I squat lower and lower until I eventually roll over. That means I'm out of ideas on how to show submission, nothing else has worked. Eventually he calls me pathetic, hits me one last time and walks away.
I've learned when to stay out of his way. But I can't do that all the time or else I don't get fed. I think the injury to my right eye eventually made that eye go blind. Because I can only see out of my left, but the right side of my face is throbbing in pain.
One day I really pissed him off, he tied my paws together with coarse rope, took a knife and started hacking the fur and skin right off my back. It hurts so bad, god it hurts so bad. I scream for a while then see the whole scene from a distance. He's chopped me up and thrown my meat into a boiling pot of water.
Recent Progress
I guess I should start recording my progress, otherwise I'm going to lose track.
Emotional blockage in my right arm on top of my wrist and behind it. It turned out to be from a programming trauma around elementary school. I had been submerged in ice cold water and then dumped out on a cold flat surface. I lay on my side in a fetal position, naked, rigid and spasming with hypothermia.
After this scene faded other small mundane incidents followed, from the years that followed where I was exposed to ice or ice water and was reminded of the original trauma. (my dad's ice chest, a glass of iced tea, a walk-in freezer full of ice...) Instead of remembering the original trauma I suppressed those new experiences as well, even though they were insignificant they were threatening to remind me so I chose to suppress them as well.
Emotional blockage on my left cheek bone turned out to be from kindergarten. I slid off my side of a see-saw and the weight of the other kid (Justin, I think) made it fly up and hit me in the face. Years later a bicycle accident on 19th street added to this.
Emotional blockage closer to my left eye turned out to be a dog bite from when I was four. My grandma's dog Tiger, his teeth ripped my skin open and now I finally know where I got the bruise in my left eyeball. This same blockage stretched around the left side of my face past my year. Around first grade I was irritating some older kids and one threw a football right into the side of my face. The end of this blockage was in the back of my head, on the left side. After a piano lesson around 3rd grade I was playing in another kid's room on his bed, I lept up and hit my head on his book shelf. Also at work in 2008, I was working in an electrical panel, I stood up and hit the back of my head on the dead front that had swung open. All these incidents had contributed to the same blockage.
It occurs to me now that in all situations I decided to stuff the emotion and pain because of social pressure. And they all really really really hurt life fuck.
It's worth mentioning, about a week and a half ago I made a request to "divine spirit" that I'd be separated from the two discarnate spirits interfering with my daily life for the last few years. The woman with freckles who first appeared at the mouth of my time warp before birth, who I then murdered in 1998 when she was incarnated. Also the short fat balding man with square glasses and a black cloak who I think was an elder in the satanic group my parents swore allegiance to in 1982. After the request they both were visited by their respective guides who then talked to them at length and escorted them away from me. Life has been wonderful ever since. Had I known it was that easy I would have done it years ago.
About a week ago I had dreams about my aunt who died earlier this year. Upon waking I felt a dark presence that felt like she was watching me. I made the same request to "divine spirit" for separation from her and I haven't felt her around me since. Either it worked or she's keeping her distance.
Emotional blockage in my right arm on top of my wrist and behind it. It turned out to be from a programming trauma around elementary school. I had been submerged in ice cold water and then dumped out on a cold flat surface. I lay on my side in a fetal position, naked, rigid and spasming with hypothermia.
After this scene faded other small mundane incidents followed, from the years that followed where I was exposed to ice or ice water and was reminded of the original trauma. (my dad's ice chest, a glass of iced tea, a walk-in freezer full of ice...) Instead of remembering the original trauma I suppressed those new experiences as well, even though they were insignificant they were threatening to remind me so I chose to suppress them as well.
Emotional blockage on my left cheek bone turned out to be from kindergarten. I slid off my side of a see-saw and the weight of the other kid (Justin, I think) made it fly up and hit me in the face. Years later a bicycle accident on 19th street added to this.
Emotional blockage closer to my left eye turned out to be a dog bite from when I was four. My grandma's dog Tiger, his teeth ripped my skin open and now I finally know where I got the bruise in my left eyeball. This same blockage stretched around the left side of my face past my year. Around first grade I was irritating some older kids and one threw a football right into the side of my face. The end of this blockage was in the back of my head, on the left side. After a piano lesson around 3rd grade I was playing in another kid's room on his bed, I lept up and hit my head on his book shelf. Also at work in 2008, I was working in an electrical panel, I stood up and hit the back of my head on the dead front that had swung open. All these incidents had contributed to the same blockage.
It occurs to me now that in all situations I decided to stuff the emotion and pain because of social pressure. And they all really really really hurt life fuck.
It's worth mentioning, about a week and a half ago I made a request to "divine spirit" that I'd be separated from the two discarnate spirits interfering with my daily life for the last few years. The woman with freckles who first appeared at the mouth of my time warp before birth, who I then murdered in 1998 when she was incarnated. Also the short fat balding man with square glasses and a black cloak who I think was an elder in the satanic group my parents swore allegiance to in 1982. After the request they both were visited by their respective guides who then talked to them at length and escorted them away from me. Life has been wonderful ever since. Had I known it was that easy I would have done it years ago.
About a week ago I had dreams about my aunt who died earlier this year. Upon waking I felt a dark presence that felt like she was watching me. I made the same request to "divine spirit" for separation from her and I haven't felt her around me since. Either it worked or she's keeping her distance.
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