Multiple blockages all in a line, on my right arm, huge blockages the size of baseballs, on the meridian going out to my pinky finger. I'm a boy, quiet. It's a construction site, wood everywhere. People drilling. People hammering boards together to frame walls. People handing me dills that are burning hot with overuse, telling me to give them to someone. Heavy metal drills with cords, and vent holes on the side. (1960's or 1970's? Definitely western culture but not this lifetime.) All I do is follow orders, bring things to people. One kid is my big brother. Tall with long brown hair and striped shirt. Mom told him to watch over me when the two of us go to this place, but instead all he does is treat me like crap to impress his friends. And his friends treat me like crap just because they can.
A wooden framed wall collapses, pins me underneath. I'm alone for a while. Huge wooden splinters tear my right arm from elbow to wrist, blood and vomit everywhere, wood and sun is dry and blood and vomit are hot and they burn my cuts. Brother's really going to be pissed at me now.
My mom finds out about accident, she gets pissed at my older brother because he was supposed to keep me safe there but he failed. I thought for sure older brother would beat me up for this but he never does. In fact I hardly see him again.
19 November 2010
13 November 2010
Butcher's Dog
Butcher paper, blood, meat, bones, white powder (flour?). Licking gristle off of butcher paper. Chewing bones to get every last morsel off them. Peeing and pooping in a wet tile room with guts on the floor and a drain in the middle. The old man washes it down the drain and sprays me too if I take too long with my business. Which means I stay pretty wet, my fur is always damp and clumpy, and my bedding stays really matted and damp. Knives and chop block, metal and wooden handles. The old man is about 4 feet taller than me, dressed in white uniform and apron. I'm his dog, he used to kick me in the face and throw things at me when I went to him for scraps. I felt so dependent, so in danger, so hungry and so unwanted. Brings me to tears.
Life is so boring. I sleep in a dark corner wet and cold. Sometimes I sleep with my sharp pointy nose against my paws so my breath warms the pads of my toes. I hate being dependent on the old man. I hate when he hits me and kicks me. When he's angry I squat lower and lower until I eventually roll over. That means I'm out of ideas on how to show submission, nothing else has worked. Eventually he calls me pathetic, hits me one last time and walks away.
I've learned when to stay out of his way. But I can't do that all the time or else I don't get fed. I think the injury to my right eye eventually made that eye go blind. Because I can only see out of my left, but the right side of my face is throbbing in pain.
One day I really pissed him off, he tied my paws together with coarse rope, took a knife and started hacking the fur and skin right off my back. It hurts so bad, god it hurts so bad. I scream for a while then see the whole scene from a distance. He's chopped me up and thrown my meat into a boiling pot of water.
Life is so boring. I sleep in a dark corner wet and cold. Sometimes I sleep with my sharp pointy nose against my paws so my breath warms the pads of my toes. I hate being dependent on the old man. I hate when he hits me and kicks me. When he's angry I squat lower and lower until I eventually roll over. That means I'm out of ideas on how to show submission, nothing else has worked. Eventually he calls me pathetic, hits me one last time and walks away.
I've learned when to stay out of his way. But I can't do that all the time or else I don't get fed. I think the injury to my right eye eventually made that eye go blind. Because I can only see out of my left, but the right side of my face is throbbing in pain.
One day I really pissed him off, he tied my paws together with coarse rope, took a knife and started hacking the fur and skin right off my back. It hurts so bad, god it hurts so bad. I scream for a while then see the whole scene from a distance. He's chopped me up and thrown my meat into a boiling pot of water.
Recent Progress
I guess I should start recording my progress, otherwise I'm going to lose track.
Emotional blockage in my right arm on top of my wrist and behind it. It turned out to be from a programming trauma around elementary school. I had been submerged in ice cold water and then dumped out on a cold flat surface. I lay on my side in a fetal position, naked, rigid and spasming with hypothermia.
After this scene faded other small mundane incidents followed, from the years that followed where I was exposed to ice or ice water and was reminded of the original trauma. (my dad's ice chest, a glass of iced tea, a walk-in freezer full of ice...) Instead of remembering the original trauma I suppressed those new experiences as well, even though they were insignificant they were threatening to remind me so I chose to suppress them as well.
Emotional blockage on my left cheek bone turned out to be from kindergarten. I slid off my side of a see-saw and the weight of the other kid (Justin, I think) made it fly up and hit me in the face. Years later a bicycle accident on 19th street added to this.
Emotional blockage closer to my left eye turned out to be a dog bite from when I was four. My grandma's dog Tiger, his teeth ripped my skin open and now I finally know where I got the bruise in my left eyeball. This same blockage stretched around the left side of my face past my year. Around first grade I was irritating some older kids and one threw a football right into the side of my face. The end of this blockage was in the back of my head, on the left side. After a piano lesson around 3rd grade I was playing in another kid's room on his bed, I lept up and hit my head on his book shelf. Also at work in 2008, I was working in an electrical panel, I stood up and hit the back of my head on the dead front that had swung open. All these incidents had contributed to the same blockage.
It occurs to me now that in all situations I decided to stuff the emotion and pain because of social pressure. And they all really really really hurt life fuck.
It's worth mentioning, about a week and a half ago I made a request to "divine spirit" that I'd be separated from the two discarnate spirits interfering with my daily life for the last few years. The woman with freckles who first appeared at the mouth of my time warp before birth, who I then murdered in 1998 when she was incarnated. Also the short fat balding man with square glasses and a black cloak who I think was an elder in the satanic group my parents swore allegiance to in 1982. After the request they both were visited by their respective guides who then talked to them at length and escorted them away from me. Life has been wonderful ever since. Had I known it was that easy I would have done it years ago.
About a week ago I had dreams about my aunt who died earlier this year. Upon waking I felt a dark presence that felt like she was watching me. I made the same request to "divine spirit" for separation from her and I haven't felt her around me since. Either it worked or she's keeping her distance.
Emotional blockage in my right arm on top of my wrist and behind it. It turned out to be from a programming trauma around elementary school. I had been submerged in ice cold water and then dumped out on a cold flat surface. I lay on my side in a fetal position, naked, rigid and spasming with hypothermia.
After this scene faded other small mundane incidents followed, from the years that followed where I was exposed to ice or ice water and was reminded of the original trauma. (my dad's ice chest, a glass of iced tea, a walk-in freezer full of ice...) Instead of remembering the original trauma I suppressed those new experiences as well, even though they were insignificant they were threatening to remind me so I chose to suppress them as well.
Emotional blockage on my left cheek bone turned out to be from kindergarten. I slid off my side of a see-saw and the weight of the other kid (Justin, I think) made it fly up and hit me in the face. Years later a bicycle accident on 19th street added to this.
Emotional blockage closer to my left eye turned out to be a dog bite from when I was four. My grandma's dog Tiger, his teeth ripped my skin open and now I finally know where I got the bruise in my left eyeball. This same blockage stretched around the left side of my face past my year. Around first grade I was irritating some older kids and one threw a football right into the side of my face. The end of this blockage was in the back of my head, on the left side. After a piano lesson around 3rd grade I was playing in another kid's room on his bed, I lept up and hit my head on his book shelf. Also at work in 2008, I was working in an electrical panel, I stood up and hit the back of my head on the dead front that had swung open. All these incidents had contributed to the same blockage.
It occurs to me now that in all situations I decided to stuff the emotion and pain because of social pressure. And they all really really really hurt life fuck.
It's worth mentioning, about a week and a half ago I made a request to "divine spirit" that I'd be separated from the two discarnate spirits interfering with my daily life for the last few years. The woman with freckles who first appeared at the mouth of my time warp before birth, who I then murdered in 1998 when she was incarnated. Also the short fat balding man with square glasses and a black cloak who I think was an elder in the satanic group my parents swore allegiance to in 1982. After the request they both were visited by their respective guides who then talked to them at length and escorted them away from me. Life has been wonderful ever since. Had I known it was that easy I would have done it years ago.
About a week ago I had dreams about my aunt who died earlier this year. Upon waking I felt a dark presence that felt like she was watching me. I made the same request to "divine spirit" for separation from her and I haven't felt her around me since. Either it worked or she's keeping her distance.
10 September 2010
Isolation Spheres are Intermittent
Isolation spheres are intermittent. And this realisation completely flew over my head until tonight. They have a back, forth, back, forth way to them that is representative of the extremes of a sine wave. It can produce results that are good, bad, good, bad. A sine wave, as seen from any other dimension looks like a circle. And a circle, if its shape is implied into antoher dimension, becomes a sphere. Like the rotation of the moon around the earth. Waxing, waning, waxing, waning lunar cycles become a circle, once seen from space you've left the earth's dimensional barrier and can see the rotation around the earth and sun, both circles. Spheres, circles, and sine waves have everything to do with each other.
I was ready to give up on pushing the theory of isolation spheres when my wife put on the movie "Hudsucker Proxy." And one particular scene I felt was synchronistic with my struggle with isolation spheres, was having to do with the invention of the "Hula Hoop." Obviously a hula hoop is a personal inside a circle. An obvious synchronicity that pointed out to me that the difference between cirlces and spheres were not to be overlooked, and dimensional differences was what proved inportant in the unfolding scene. I felt a thunderstorm of activity above my head in chakras I didn't know I even had. As the more I thought about that scene the more I realised it had meaning for my ongoing work to understand and expose a form of trans-dimensional attack I call an isolation sphere. IN the movie scene, the acceptance of the Hula Hoop (person inside a circle/sphere) gets acceptance/rejection/acceptance/rejection just like the back/forth extremes of a sine wave. As does the music in the soundtrack rush back/forth/back/fprth. And so many other things all line up with my efforts on the subject. There was no way my wife could have known the inspiration this caused, she doesn't even know anything I do online. But all the years I've known her she's always provided happy coincidences like this that work out to slap me in the face and make me realize something I overlooked.
So loaded with synchronicities is this clip and this entire movie. Like the minimum number of extremes necessary to establish the very pattern of a sine wave, which is "4." And the number "4" is repeated everywhere in this movie. Like the acceptance, rejection, acceptance, rejection this very idea of isolation spheres seems to get. Having an isolation sphere tends to give positive, negative, positive, negative results in your environment. Now that I'm aware of where I need to expand my efforts in this area, I'm relieved and inspired but for now I"m going to call it a night.
I was ready to give up on pushing the theory of isolation spheres when my wife put on the movie "Hudsucker Proxy." And one particular scene I felt was synchronistic with my struggle with isolation spheres, was having to do with the invention of the "Hula Hoop." Obviously a hula hoop is a personal inside a circle. An obvious synchronicity that pointed out to me that the difference between cirlces and spheres were not to be overlooked, and dimensional differences was what proved inportant in the unfolding scene. I felt a thunderstorm of activity above my head in chakras I didn't know I even had. As the more I thought about that scene the more I realised it had meaning for my ongoing work to understand and expose a form of trans-dimensional attack I call an isolation sphere. IN the movie scene, the acceptance of the Hula Hoop (person inside a circle/sphere) gets acceptance/rejection/acceptance/rejection just like the back/forth extremes of a sine wave. As does the music in the soundtrack rush back/forth/back/fprth. And so many other things all line up with my efforts on the subject. There was no way my wife could have known the inspiration this caused, she doesn't even know anything I do online. But all the years I've known her she's always provided happy coincidences like this that work out to slap me in the face and make me realize something I overlooked.
So loaded with synchronicities is this clip and this entire movie. Like the minimum number of extremes necessary to establish the very pattern of a sine wave, which is "4." And the number "4" is repeated everywhere in this movie. Like the acceptance, rejection, acceptance, rejection this very idea of isolation spheres seems to get. Having an isolation sphere tends to give positive, negative, positive, negative results in your environment. Now that I'm aware of where I need to expand my efforts in this area, I'm relieved and inspired but for now I"m going to call it a night.
My Guy-In-A-Sphere Theory Accepted, Rejected, Accepted
Most synchronistic 6 minutes of my entire life.
04 September 2010
Etheric Isolation Spheres ("EI Spheres")
INTRO
Above is what an 'etheric isolation sphere' (or "EI sphere") would look like if you could see into the etheric layer of reality. These are very serious, very insidiously destructive energy constructs, more dangerous than other forms of hyper-dimensional attack. It's very important to learn how these work and what their effects are, whether it's you that's being afflicted by one or someone in your environment, understanding will be a necessary part of creating protection. And I'll go into why that is in a minute. But for now, please take my word that if you struggle with negative influences and hyper-dimensional attack in your daily life, you'll want to read this page, especially if the problems you have are strangely coincidental, synchronistic, or otherwise bizarre or unlikely.
First realize that EI spheres are not complicated, they are simple energetic parasites. They exist in invisible realms of reality which is why we can't see them. And while there are different varieties of these with different internal "organs", they all pretty much function the same: Like spherical parasites that anchor themselves to a host energy source and encapsulate it entirely, where it is then indefinitely trapped and used as a source of food. And that's unfortunate, if the host lifeform happens to be you. Because as a human you can't see that you're trapped in anything. All you know is what you can observe with your five senses… that there are very strange interpersonal problems cropping up in your day-to-day life, some small ,some big, but they all seem to have no immediate explanation. Except that people seem to be out to "get" you sometimes, strangers and acquaintances alike. Actually nobody is out to get you at all, and I'll demonstrate why in a minute. But if you keep track of what goes on around you you'll notice that patterns start to emerge. And if what your dealing with is an EI sphere here's a taste of what you might see…
PATTERNS
People seem to move into your way more than normal, and peoople seem to take things you need or want. You find yourself at odds with everyone, over things big and small. Not all the time, but more than can be dismissed as chance. Whether it's a spot in traffic, or the last donut, or a position at your job, or someone's approval, or a life-saving surgery you've had to wait for. At the worst possible moment those things may go to someone else. Whether it's something tangible or not. Do you ever pull someone aside to tell them something urgent, but then their phone starts ringing off the hook, or people walk up to them to interrupt you both, maybe several people all at once? Here too you wanted someone's attention and someone else got in your way to take it. And with amazing timing, right, what are the chances? Ever look around a grocery store and notice it isn't really all that crowded, it's just the few aisles you need to go down that are all chock-a-block with people. Notice they aren't even shopping. They're tranced out, chit-chatting, browsing. Eventually you make your way to checkout, but half the store has just stormed towards the front at the exact same time that you did. There also, you wanted to occupy a physical location but it went to someone else.
The reason this happens is because the EI sphere around you also functions as a sort of isolation chamber. All energies going in or out get translated into their opposite and create an opposite effect than what you're used to. Normally, when you spot something across a room and decide you're going to go and take it, you color that object with your intent and also put out a streamer of your energy going to that object following the path you intend to take. Everyone does this, It's a way of invisibly claiming something and helps people function smoothly together in groups. If you could actually see this happening in a grocery store it might look like this…
This energy, while unseen, manages to also gently push away the intent of other people nearby, and they pick up on this even though they're consciously unaware of it. Also the more you want something, the more energy you shoot out and the more other people get gently nudged away. (With enough practice you can train yourself to actually see this happening like I've done. The best place to do this is in heavy traffic, because drivers always shoot out streams of intent around cars they plan to maneuver around, or into an empty spot in another lane they plan to merge into.)
This system breaks down if you're in an EI sphere, however. Your intent becomes reversed into a sort-of "absence of intent" that instead of pushing people away, will actually pull them and attract them to the object you want. Even worse, the stronger your desire for that object, the stronger other people will be attracted to it, to the point they will even grab the thing you want without even wanting it themselves. That can be very frustrating. But it's important to know that they're not aware they're doing this, and in fact you do this yourself all the time and affect people outside your EI sphere in the exact same way. Knowing that nobody is to blame for this happening will help you remain calm about it while it's happening, it also it will seem alot less personal.
In the above illustration, if the man on the right had the EI sphere around him, and if it was wide enough to encapsulate the shopping cart, the exact same scenario would develop as what you see above. If that makes any sense. This is why it's not always you that's the victim, and why it's not always other people that cause the frustration. An important thing to understand.
MISCOMMUNICATION
Do people sometimes misunderstand what you ask for even though you speak loud and clear to them, and in the same language? Ever notice sthat this tends to get worse the more important it is to you that you be understood? Likewise, do you sometimes have trouble understanding other people no matter how many times they repeat themselves? This can happen verbally or in written communication. The reason is, when people communicate with each other they're coloring everything they say or write with an overcoat of invisble energy. This overcoat helps to convey emotion and meaning beyond just words. It's what makes bedtime stories feel cozy, what makes standup comedians so hilarious, what makes a school lecture informative or a speech moving. People know how to color words with emotion like this without thinking and so communication tends to just flow smoothly and effectively.
But an EI sphere will sabotage this energy and turn it into it's opposite, making communication difficult. Because people pick up on the opposite emotion, you notice their reaction to you doesn't match what you were expecting…
Guy on the left told a joke that once projected out of his sphere got converted into something hostile and serious. The opposite can also happen…
Even without words, emotions broadcasted outwards get reversed and you may have noticed this, if you ever had a bad day and wanted to be left around, but people seemed to hunt you down instead, just to chit chat or tell stupid jokes. Or likewise, if you were in a good mood and smiled at someone, and got a stern look in response, now you understand why.
We also color our communications with energy that acts as punctuation. It gives everything we say or write a certain "flow" which others pick up on to better understand the meaning we want to convey...
But when an EI sphere is present, that energy can get chopped up and meaning gets lost. Almost like all the wrong punctuation got thrown in randomly. The effect is it makes you sound crazy, disjointed, schizo. And the more emotionally invested you are in what you're saying, the more garbled you sound...
There are numerous other ways interaction can be sabotaged by an EI sphere, too many to list. But the important thing to remember is that all humans interact energetically in invisible layers of reality we can't see. Living in an EI sphere, or knowing someone who has one, means that this will all be disrupted in order to isolate the person inside and create emotional extremes of frustration, rejection, isolation and loneliness in the person inside … remember that's all FOOD for the EI sphere so it's important to understand why none of this should be taken personally and brought to emotional extremes. Keeping emotional reactions in check cuts off an EI sphere's food source and eventually weakens its hold on the person inside, whether it's you or someone else.
Keep in mind that the problems an EI sphere creates can be bizarre. Like being in a large building totally empty except for one person. But that one person ends up crossing paths with you and bumping into you several times, despite the unlikeliness of it. That's because EI spheres are hungry and they can intensify the energies they scramble to produce the emotional food they want to feed on, sometimes to such an extent that energies get scrambled backwards and forwards through time. Don't be alarmed by the time travel aspect. This is due to the slightly different physical laws that govern those realms of reality the spheres occupy, where space and time might not behave the way we're used to seeing it in the 3-d physical. If you want to learn more about these realms and the way humans function there, check out Barbara Brennan's books on healing.
Another reason you shouldn't take EI sphere interference personally… these entities are not conscious entities. They're too simple. But they are able to reproduce and therefore once introduced into an environment they can spread like a virus and become very problematic for native populations.
When this has happened to a solar system, the lower-density lifeforms that live there make a unified request for higher-density beings to travel there and help free them. When help arrives, only one of the EI spheres is taken and carefully dismantled like a bomb. This is done in a very specific sequence of events that is recorded and then rebroadcast to all the one sphere's zillions of brothers and sisters that infested that location. Almost like a secondary revised set of DNA sequences to correct the first. When this happens, all the EI spheres that have infested there are then dismantled all at once. The host organisms are then freed and life goes on.
I almost have to wonder that maybe that's our way out as well, recruiting higher-dimensional help. Because the technique of starving an EI sphere with emotional management is only a short-term solution. Hopefully soon there will be more long-term solutions. So far I haven't found any other information about these things, so if you know where similar information as this is presented elsewhere, please contact me. Thanks for reading.
20 February 2010
Living Cursed
Sure, bad things happen to everyone. But around here things get ridiculously bad. Comically bad, like we're living in a sitcom. People who are around me sometimes notice it too, that patterns start to emerge, and it's obvious something else is going on, like a curse. I'm trying to figure it all out.
Miscommunication of Intent. You're driving alone. Traffic is thick, you do your usual lane change, you got into a space plenty wide for your car. But the white Escalade behind you seems to disagree. Because he's right on your bumper now, flailing his arms like he's just so mad you got in his way. Miles go by. He's following you as if trying to run you off the road. Now, you're sure you left him plenty of space. What's his deal? Now he's sped up next to you and he's hurling empty bottles at your face. At 65 miles per hour. Better roll up your window. The next one bounces off the glass. Just road rage, right? Wrong place, wrong time. Guy had a bad day? You would speed up to get away from him but someone's in your way. So you slow down, and when you do, the person behind you slams on their brakes and honks. At you! CAn they not see what's going on? The Escalade slows down to follow you. So to escape the situation you do a last-minute exit onto a street you're not familiar with. It's okay, you say, here's a grocery store and I had to stop for laundry soap anyways. And Escalade is gone! (all this really happened)
Now you're trying to park your car. Someone takes the spot you eyeballed originally so now you have to drive past the entrance to the store and find another aisle. No big deal, but people keep walking in front of your car. They're pedestrians, so you have to wait for them. But as soon as one crosses, another crosses from the other side. Again ... and again, eight, nine, ten, you could have sworn there were no pedestrians when you turned to go though this way. Why such a surge? So you start forcing the nose of your car across gently, and a whole family of six walks right in front of you without even looking. One of them is a big fat kid walking backwards without watching, he slams into your car hard enough to leave a dent with his shoe. Then he turns around and looks at you like you.... hit him. Says something to his parents you can't hear, now all six are standing there looking at you. Standing in your way, of course.
You've had it. You throw your shifter in reverse and start backing up, but stop!!. A delivery truck has just parked behind you and has thrown his flashers on. You almost backed right into him! And he lets you know this with his deafening foghorn. So, okay, now you gently push a sharp u-turn through a new crowd of angry pedestrians, to go back towards the section of parking lot you just came from, because you just want to leave the pressure-cooker of stress you just found yourself in. And finally, you park. And just as you get out and walk around your car to see if the fat kid kicked a dent in your fender, an old man who's just parked his Buick next to you flings his door open and blocks your view of your own fender. So you wait. You have to because on the other side is overgrown trees so you can't get around. He gets his cane out, as if he's about to get out of his car. But he doesn't. He just sits there. For one, entire, full, minute, you stand there waiting for a viewing of your own fender. You wait in amazement. How did your day get so bad? He smiles and says, wonderful day, isn't it? Just as you start to feign a polite response, a car alarm goes off nearby and you almost defecate in your pants.
You storm into the store for laundry soap. The store's not too crowded but everyone seems to be in your way, and appearantly, half of them seem to think the same about you being in their way. Excuse me, pardon me. Oh sorry, didn't see you there. As soon as you get to the cleaning aisle, which unlike the next aisle over, is crowded beyond penetration, a crowd of teenagers wanders in front of your laundry soap just as you approach it. And they stop there, checking their cell phones and flirting with each other. So you wait, but they don't move, so you try to squeeze through them, but you can't. So you say, excuse me, pardon me. One by one they're startled by you and they move. Then there's your soap. Just as you reach for it, a store employee in a hurry jogs right in front of you and sends your laundry-soap-grabbing hand flailing into someone's face. They're not happy.
Close your eyes, regain your sanity. Because you feel your red-hot frustration turning into unrestrained rage. And just as you swear to yourself you will strangle the next person who gets in your way or accuses you of being in theirs, you hear, excuse me sir!! You open your eyes, a 400-lb woman with a shopping cart has been standing in the aisle waiting for you to move out of the way of her laundry soap.
Welcome to day-to-day life under the "cock-a-block" curse. It was given than name with help from my wife who after a very long road trip witnessed with her own eyes in 2006 that this was my real life daily hell. No one story is ever big enough to say "something's off" .... it's always just an endless string of little things. Like that. It goes on, hour after hour, usually not that bad but sometimes pretty bad. Similar things keep happening, again, and again, not always in traffic. I just seemed to always be in everyone's way, inadvertently. Or they seemed to always be in mine. Every day was frustration. And it went on for years, though it didn't seem to happen before 2001. Seems like 2001 someone put a powerful curse on me. That crossed my intent with the intent of everyone else on the planet. In traffic, at home, at work. Every day was a battle. Some days people seemed to jump out of their way just to block my path. I realised whether it's me or them that's the obstacle, it's the same energetic construct: conflict of intent. On one side is me, and on the other side is the rest of the world, and every day is hell, some days more some days less.
If you're walking down a sidewalk and stop to check your phone, you may not realise you're actually blocking someone trying to come through a door with a heavy stack of boxes. It may just feel natural and you do it without thinking. But if you're the one with the boxes, it's infuriating and it's hard to assume that it's unintentional. Especially if it happens thirty times a day, day after day. After a few years you settle into the nauseating feeling that the world is out to get you. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not intentional. One thing I noticed is whenever I'm isolated for a few days, like going a whole weekend without leaving the house, I go out again on Monday and this phenomenon is powerful as hell. It can be scary and dangerous. Likewise the more time I spend out and about, like at work, then by friday it's hardly noticable.
Or it even starts working backwards. The other day driving home I noticed traffic was thick but was strangely parting for me like a crowd parting for a king. Just the opposite of the "cock-a-block" hell I'm usually in. So I guess it can work both ways.
I'm speculating whether this curse has to do with keeping me isolated, homebound. Because setting my intent "outwards" into the world always is met with friction. But setting my intent "homewards" is always smooth sailing. Whether it's a minute-by-minute thing or day-to-day, it would explain why fridays are so much smoother than mondays at my job regarding conflicts, and also why driving away from home is always hell compared to driving back, regardless of traffic.
Emotional Miscommunication. I can be in a great mood, whistling and smiling. But if I turn and say "hello" to someone they jump like I just bit their head off. On my best of days people outright avoid me, even strangers on the sidewalk, when they don't even know me and haven't even made eye contact. As if my good moods are broadcasting negative emotional energy from my aura. Likewise if I'm in a bad mood people seem attracted to me. I can be red in the face with anger, going out of my way to avoid people, swearing and even throwing things. And people will be hunting me down several at a time, just to chit chat, tell jokes or just bask in my aura. It's infuriating and feels very isolating, being energetically conflicted with the world to such an extreme. I don't know when that started. It may be life-long.
Even worse about people getting good vibes from me being in a bad mood, It's absolutely impossible for me to communicate anger to someone at all. Maybe true for other emotions, but anger is the easiest energy to see bouncing around in conversation, especially my own. When I'm angry and I try to speak out, I can actually feel my own negative energy being reflected back at my face. Like I'm wearing a bucket on my head. That's what it feels like, and appearantly that's also how I come across. Instead of being taken aback, people look at me relaxed and curious. Maybe that bucket or barrier is there all the time, and whatever I send out gets reflected back, and whatever people pick up on is actually not from me at all. Like a reversal, a flip-flop. Examples:
- If I've been wrongly accused of doing something, and I'm pointing out some easy proof that it wasn't my fault, instead of seeming confident I come across like I'm guilty and lying.
-Likewise if I'm lying to cover up something bad that I did, I come across as confident and honest.
- If I'm telling a story about something important that happened sometimes people laugh like they're assuming I'm making a joke.
- Likewise sometimes if I'm making a comment as a joke people stop and seriously reply to it. "just kidding" is something I always have to follow up with to clarify.
Conceptual Miscommunication Phenomenon. On top of that, communcation is usually impossible with everyone in and of itself. Because usually I'm tongue-tied, I've learned through many painful social situations, that everything I say has to be consciously put through all kinds of cultural and social filters. Because sometimes no matter what comes out of my mouth, it's the absolute wrong thing to say. And my wife knows how I do this even better than I do, I'll be completely silent throughout an entire dinner party, silently struggling for hours in a cold sweat to think of something to say that's not offensive or embarassing somehow. And the one time I do manage to open my mouth, later I realise it was awkward and could have been very easily mistaken as something destructive. Or too much time has passed and while I was making sure I should say it, conversation has moved to a different subject. Or I worded something funny. She usually tells me about it later. So usually I just keep my mouth shut as much as possible. People at work sometimes try to prod me to talk or find ways to involve me in conversation, but after a while they learn to give up. I'm fine with being a loner but some people are not fine with it. Some people seem bothered that I'm so quiet. One guy in particular, yesterday I finally found something to chit chat with him about and it was revealed something really personal and traumatic for him and his family worked out fine with me, so conversation ended there and now the guy probably hates me even more. It's like I"m cursed with a mouth that every time it opens finds destruction and negativity and I can never over-ride it. And sometimes, like with the guy at work, it's a psychic thing where there's no way I could know beforehand what not to say but somehow I find it.
Same with writing. No matter how many times I proofread something the final product always is riddled with mistakes and bad choices of words. And the more this happens, the longer I spend the next time obsessively proofreading. Now it's to the point where I can spend hours typing two sentences of an email. As if I'm battling a part of my own brain that's trying to offend the other person through hidden meanings, or trying to miscommunicate or avoid a certain subject. Except when I'm posting here, since I know no one will read this then the words just flow effortlessly. It's the only chance I ever get to express myself without interference. My wife laughs at how I'll re-write emails over and over and over again. Until eventually I just give up or only send two or three lines. What she doesn't understand is that it's usually necessary. Then I proofread what I sent again, and again, and then again the next day. Because sometimes after the tenth time I realise I miscommunicated something and when I get a reply I'm embarassed that the other person was completely derailed and didn't understand a single idea I was trying to communicate. I didn't notice this happening until just about eight years ago. But then I found some old emails from before this started happening, and I just sank in my chair of embarassment, over how offensive or incriminating or just non-nonsensical they all were. Like what I'd say would rely heavily on intonations in words when obviously that's impossible except through verbal speech. And without that component there it made no sense or was destructive somehow.
Another aspect of miscommunication, is no matter how clearly or loudly I write or speak, people sometimes don't seem to understand a thing I say. Likewise, I can hear someone speaking english and try hard to understand the meaning of their words, but it just comes across as jibberish. It's maddening, also the reason I hate going to Subway. Because it seems to happen worse when I'm asking for something. Screw the sandwich, Subway for me is a pressure-cooker of stress over miscommunication. Must be life-long becuase it's been that way since I was a kid ordering food at restaurants. Besides the embarassment I end up with a pizze covered in mayonaisse, instead of what I ordered. For this reason I avoid all people, especially the service industry. Or if possible I communicate through email so I can at least proofread. But making requests of a stranger has always been impossible, I'll pass up a free hot meal for a bag of chips from a vending machine, if getting the hot meal means a human being will be spooning food onto my plate. But avoiding people isn't always possible, especially at work. So my boss will be laying be out on a task, and I"m nodding that I understand. When truth is I'm standing there memorizing the sounds from his mouth so that after he leaves I can replay his voice in my head and hopefully make sense of it. That's how bad it is. And that's the extent that I've had to adapt. Just ask him, he's worked with me enough to learn that the important things need to be repeated twice, so that I can memorize it, repeat it to myself later and then translate. That's the receiving end. On the giving end, I've noticed the degree to which someone can't understand me depends on how badly I want the thing I'm asking them for. The more I want it, the less they habla anglais.
Conclusion. After the forty-or so times I've revised this post it's obvious these are all manifestations of the same thing. Some kind of energetic mirror or barrier that exists in many different dimensions all around me and flip-flops everything. Intent, emotion, ideas, I wonder what else. I'm so tired of living this way. No matter how long this has been going on I've always known this is not the way to live. I hope this gets resolved soon.
Miscommunication of Intent. You're driving alone. Traffic is thick, you do your usual lane change, you got into a space plenty wide for your car. But the white Escalade behind you seems to disagree. Because he's right on your bumper now, flailing his arms like he's just so mad you got in his way. Miles go by. He's following you as if trying to run you off the road. Now, you're sure you left him plenty of space. What's his deal? Now he's sped up next to you and he's hurling empty bottles at your face. At 65 miles per hour. Better roll up your window. The next one bounces off the glass. Just road rage, right? Wrong place, wrong time. Guy had a bad day? You would speed up to get away from him but someone's in your way. So you slow down, and when you do, the person behind you slams on their brakes and honks. At you! CAn they not see what's going on? The Escalade slows down to follow you. So to escape the situation you do a last-minute exit onto a street you're not familiar with. It's okay, you say, here's a grocery store and I had to stop for laundry soap anyways. And Escalade is gone! (all this really happened)
Now you're trying to park your car. Someone takes the spot you eyeballed originally so now you have to drive past the entrance to the store and find another aisle. No big deal, but people keep walking in front of your car. They're pedestrians, so you have to wait for them. But as soon as one crosses, another crosses from the other side. Again ... and again, eight, nine, ten, you could have sworn there were no pedestrians when you turned to go though this way. Why such a surge? So you start forcing the nose of your car across gently, and a whole family of six walks right in front of you without even looking. One of them is a big fat kid walking backwards without watching, he slams into your car hard enough to leave a dent with his shoe. Then he turns around and looks at you like you.... hit him. Says something to his parents you can't hear, now all six are standing there looking at you. Standing in your way, of course.
You've had it. You throw your shifter in reverse and start backing up, but stop!!. A delivery truck has just parked behind you and has thrown his flashers on. You almost backed right into him! And he lets you know this with his deafening foghorn. So, okay, now you gently push a sharp u-turn through a new crowd of angry pedestrians, to go back towards the section of parking lot you just came from, because you just want to leave the pressure-cooker of stress you just found yourself in. And finally, you park. And just as you get out and walk around your car to see if the fat kid kicked a dent in your fender, an old man who's just parked his Buick next to you flings his door open and blocks your view of your own fender. So you wait. You have to because on the other side is overgrown trees so you can't get around. He gets his cane out, as if he's about to get out of his car. But he doesn't. He just sits there. For one, entire, full, minute, you stand there waiting for a viewing of your own fender. You wait in amazement. How did your day get so bad? He smiles and says, wonderful day, isn't it? Just as you start to feign a polite response, a car alarm goes off nearby and you almost defecate in your pants.
You storm into the store for laundry soap. The store's not too crowded but everyone seems to be in your way, and appearantly, half of them seem to think the same about you being in their way. Excuse me, pardon me. Oh sorry, didn't see you there. As soon as you get to the cleaning aisle, which unlike the next aisle over, is crowded beyond penetration, a crowd of teenagers wanders in front of your laundry soap just as you approach it. And they stop there, checking their cell phones and flirting with each other. So you wait, but they don't move, so you try to squeeze through them, but you can't. So you say, excuse me, pardon me. One by one they're startled by you and they move. Then there's your soap. Just as you reach for it, a store employee in a hurry jogs right in front of you and sends your laundry-soap-grabbing hand flailing into someone's face. They're not happy.
Close your eyes, regain your sanity. Because you feel your red-hot frustration turning into unrestrained rage. And just as you swear to yourself you will strangle the next person who gets in your way or accuses you of being in theirs, you hear, excuse me sir!! You open your eyes, a 400-lb woman with a shopping cart has been standing in the aisle waiting for you to move out of the way of her laundry soap.
Welcome to day-to-day life under the "cock-a-block" curse. It was given than name with help from my wife who after a very long road trip witnessed with her own eyes in 2006 that this was my real life daily hell. No one story is ever big enough to say "something's off" .... it's always just an endless string of little things. Like that. It goes on, hour after hour, usually not that bad but sometimes pretty bad. Similar things keep happening, again, and again, not always in traffic. I just seemed to always be in everyone's way, inadvertently. Or they seemed to always be in mine. Every day was frustration. And it went on for years, though it didn't seem to happen before 2001. Seems like 2001 someone put a powerful curse on me. That crossed my intent with the intent of everyone else on the planet. In traffic, at home, at work. Every day was a battle. Some days people seemed to jump out of their way just to block my path. I realised whether it's me or them that's the obstacle, it's the same energetic construct: conflict of intent. On one side is me, and on the other side is the rest of the world, and every day is hell, some days more some days less.
If you're walking down a sidewalk and stop to check your phone, you may not realise you're actually blocking someone trying to come through a door with a heavy stack of boxes. It may just feel natural and you do it without thinking. But if you're the one with the boxes, it's infuriating and it's hard to assume that it's unintentional. Especially if it happens thirty times a day, day after day. After a few years you settle into the nauseating feeling that the world is out to get you. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not intentional. One thing I noticed is whenever I'm isolated for a few days, like going a whole weekend without leaving the house, I go out again on Monday and this phenomenon is powerful as hell. It can be scary and dangerous. Likewise the more time I spend out and about, like at work, then by friday it's hardly noticable.
Or it even starts working backwards. The other day driving home I noticed traffic was thick but was strangely parting for me like a crowd parting for a king. Just the opposite of the "cock-a-block" hell I'm usually in. So I guess it can work both ways.
I'm speculating whether this curse has to do with keeping me isolated, homebound. Because setting my intent "outwards" into the world always is met with friction. But setting my intent "homewards" is always smooth sailing. Whether it's a minute-by-minute thing or day-to-day, it would explain why fridays are so much smoother than mondays at my job regarding conflicts, and also why driving away from home is always hell compared to driving back, regardless of traffic.
Emotional Miscommunication. I can be in a great mood, whistling and smiling. But if I turn and say "hello" to someone they jump like I just bit their head off. On my best of days people outright avoid me, even strangers on the sidewalk, when they don't even know me and haven't even made eye contact. As if my good moods are broadcasting negative emotional energy from my aura. Likewise if I'm in a bad mood people seem attracted to me. I can be red in the face with anger, going out of my way to avoid people, swearing and even throwing things. And people will be hunting me down several at a time, just to chit chat, tell jokes or just bask in my aura. It's infuriating and feels very isolating, being energetically conflicted with the world to such an extreme. I don't know when that started. It may be life-long.
Even worse about people getting good vibes from me being in a bad mood, It's absolutely impossible for me to communicate anger to someone at all. Maybe true for other emotions, but anger is the easiest energy to see bouncing around in conversation, especially my own. When I'm angry and I try to speak out, I can actually feel my own negative energy being reflected back at my face. Like I'm wearing a bucket on my head. That's what it feels like, and appearantly that's also how I come across. Instead of being taken aback, people look at me relaxed and curious. Maybe that bucket or barrier is there all the time, and whatever I send out gets reflected back, and whatever people pick up on is actually not from me at all. Like a reversal, a flip-flop. Examples:
- If I've been wrongly accused of doing something, and I'm pointing out some easy proof that it wasn't my fault, instead of seeming confident I come across like I'm guilty and lying.
-Likewise if I'm lying to cover up something bad that I did, I come across as confident and honest.
- If I'm telling a story about something important that happened sometimes people laugh like they're assuming I'm making a joke.
- Likewise sometimes if I'm making a comment as a joke people stop and seriously reply to it. "just kidding" is something I always have to follow up with to clarify.
Conceptual Miscommunication Phenomenon. On top of that, communcation is usually impossible with everyone in and of itself. Because usually I'm tongue-tied, I've learned through many painful social situations, that everything I say has to be consciously put through all kinds of cultural and social filters. Because sometimes no matter what comes out of my mouth, it's the absolute wrong thing to say. And my wife knows how I do this even better than I do, I'll be completely silent throughout an entire dinner party, silently struggling for hours in a cold sweat to think of something to say that's not offensive or embarassing somehow. And the one time I do manage to open my mouth, later I realise it was awkward and could have been very easily mistaken as something destructive. Or too much time has passed and while I was making sure I should say it, conversation has moved to a different subject. Or I worded something funny. She usually tells me about it later. So usually I just keep my mouth shut as much as possible. People at work sometimes try to prod me to talk or find ways to involve me in conversation, but after a while they learn to give up. I'm fine with being a loner but some people are not fine with it. Some people seem bothered that I'm so quiet. One guy in particular, yesterday I finally found something to chit chat with him about and it was revealed something really personal and traumatic for him and his family worked out fine with me, so conversation ended there and now the guy probably hates me even more. It's like I"m cursed with a mouth that every time it opens finds destruction and negativity and I can never over-ride it. And sometimes, like with the guy at work, it's a psychic thing where there's no way I could know beforehand what not to say but somehow I find it.
Same with writing. No matter how many times I proofread something the final product always is riddled with mistakes and bad choices of words. And the more this happens, the longer I spend the next time obsessively proofreading. Now it's to the point where I can spend hours typing two sentences of an email. As if I'm battling a part of my own brain that's trying to offend the other person through hidden meanings, or trying to miscommunicate or avoid a certain subject. Except when I'm posting here, since I know no one will read this then the words just flow effortlessly. It's the only chance I ever get to express myself without interference. My wife laughs at how I'll re-write emails over and over and over again. Until eventually I just give up or only send two or three lines. What she doesn't understand is that it's usually necessary. Then I proofread what I sent again, and again, and then again the next day. Because sometimes after the tenth time I realise I miscommunicated something and when I get a reply I'm embarassed that the other person was completely derailed and didn't understand a single idea I was trying to communicate. I didn't notice this happening until just about eight years ago. But then I found some old emails from before this started happening, and I just sank in my chair of embarassment, over how offensive or incriminating or just non-nonsensical they all were. Like what I'd say would rely heavily on intonations in words when obviously that's impossible except through verbal speech. And without that component there it made no sense or was destructive somehow.
Another aspect of miscommunication, is no matter how clearly or loudly I write or speak, people sometimes don't seem to understand a thing I say. Likewise, I can hear someone speaking english and try hard to understand the meaning of their words, but it just comes across as jibberish. It's maddening, also the reason I hate going to Subway. Because it seems to happen worse when I'm asking for something. Screw the sandwich, Subway for me is a pressure-cooker of stress over miscommunication. Must be life-long becuase it's been that way since I was a kid ordering food at restaurants. Besides the embarassment I end up with a pizze covered in mayonaisse, instead of what I ordered. For this reason I avoid all people, especially the service industry. Or if possible I communicate through email so I can at least proofread. But making requests of a stranger has always been impossible, I'll pass up a free hot meal for a bag of chips from a vending machine, if getting the hot meal means a human being will be spooning food onto my plate. But avoiding people isn't always possible, especially at work. So my boss will be laying be out on a task, and I"m nodding that I understand. When truth is I'm standing there memorizing the sounds from his mouth so that after he leaves I can replay his voice in my head and hopefully make sense of it. That's how bad it is. And that's the extent that I've had to adapt. Just ask him, he's worked with me enough to learn that the important things need to be repeated twice, so that I can memorize it, repeat it to myself later and then translate. That's the receiving end. On the giving end, I've noticed the degree to which someone can't understand me depends on how badly I want the thing I'm asking them for. The more I want it, the less they habla anglais.
Conclusion. After the forty-or so times I've revised this post it's obvious these are all manifestations of the same thing. Some kind of energetic mirror or barrier that exists in many different dimensions all around me and flip-flops everything. Intent, emotion, ideas, I wonder what else. I'm so tired of living this way. No matter how long this has been going on I've always known this is not the way to live. I hope this gets resolved soon.
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